Confessions of a Red Head with a Hot Temper

“So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.

The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.”

Galatians 5:19-26 (NIV)

As most of us know, the first couple of years of marriage can be challenging after the honeymoon stage gives way to the everyday realities of married life, with its accompanying chores, jobs, and other responsibilities. That’s when it really hits home that taking the lives of two imperfect individuals and combining them into one can be a hard task.

About nine months after Dan and I got married, we were able to purchase a home. I had always been hot-tempered and wasn't always nice when Dan and I were dating (I am grateful that God gave me a man who could let a lot of things slide). However, it really came out after we bought our house. We argued A LOT! 

But there was one argument that comes to mind frequently. It isn’t because of what we fought about, because I don’t remember. It was because of how I reacted to it. I was so angry that I slammed the back door, and it broke. It was cracked where the latch bolt would hit the strike plate. I then stormed off and walked the two miles to my parents' house, snuck in, and slept in my old bed. You would think that if I could cause that much drama, I would remember what the argument was about, but of course, I cannot. 

This is just one example of the many times something has set me off, and over time, I have had to live with the consequences of losing my temper. Sometimes it feels like I have a very short fuse that releases as rage. 

One year, a Christian women’s event was happening in Phoenix at the same time as a men’s Promise Keepers event. Several people from our church attended. Dan went to Promise Keepers, while I participated in the women’s event. One of the main speakers was Lisa Bevere. She was very honest about her struggle with anger, and one of her stories sounded remarkably similar to mine from above. I want to say that I was healed and released from my anger, or at least the ways I react to it, but I wasn’t.

The subject of my short fuse temper recently came up in a discussion with Dan. He said I am very different from the way I used to be. However, we both know I’m not entirely different. After this discussion, I decided to see if I could find Lisa Bevere’s message on YouTube, and sure enough, I did! I would love to provide you with a breakdown of the things I am trying to do based on that message, specifically if you struggle with losing it in anger or if you are in a relationship with someone who does.

1. Step back -

 We pretty much all know this is what we should do when we feel anger coming on, but it is so hard to do! However, catching ourselves before the top blows off is critical. I would also add that instead of simply walking away, which can lead the other person to think you are ignoring the situation, it is essential to communicate that you are taking a break to gather your thoughts and feelings, and will readdress the situation calmer in a little while. This break helps us to slow down long enough to really listen to what the other person has said, pray about the situation, share our feelings with God, and prevent words and reactions from being said and done that cannot be taken back. This allows us to respond instead of react. When our mouths are open, our ears are closed.  James 1:19-20 says, “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires” (NIV).

1. Say it how I want to hear it.

If someone talked to me the way I speak to them when my temper is out of control, I would not take it well! Let’s be honest, the people we are most likely to show our temper to are those closest to us. We should show them the respect they deserve, as those we value enough to let into our inner circle. I would also add that even if the person we are angry with is not part of the group of the closest people to us, they are God’s creation and made in His image, just as you and  I are. I know when my kids don’t get along, it hurts me; I can only imagine how God feels when we disrespect His creation.

1. Stop making excuses and blaming others or circumstances for my reaction.

I remember growing up and living with someone who was often angry with me. I would be getting along very well with this person until I said or did something that would set them off. Most of the time, I didn’t know why it was a big deal, and then I was subjected to their angry outburst and sometimes yelled at for hours. I always said I didn't want to be like that when I grew up, but guess what - I became the very thing I didn’t want to be.

However, I cannot blame this person for teaching me through these experiences that this is appropriate or the myth that “redheads have hot tempers,” and saying, “This is just how I am.” I also can’t blame my kids or anyone else when they hit my last button. I should have reined in my anger before it even got to that point. I cannot control anyone but myself. If I don’t do that, then both the other person and I have to deal with the consequences, which can be far worse than whatever I was angry about in the first place.

4.  I repeat as a prayer to Jesus, “What you did for me is greater than what was done to me.” 

Jesus came from having everything to a place of nothing, served, healed people, died, and was resurrected for me. Nothing disrespectful or negative done to me by others compares to the love and worth that Jesus showed by His life, death, and resurrection. He has forgiven me much; I need to forgive others and show them grace. (This does not mean we stay in toxic or abusive situations. There is a difference between forgiving and continuing in a bad situation.)  

5.  The last thing I have to remember and confess to God is that I cannot do this on my own. I need the Holy Spirit. 

If I could change on my own, I would have done that by now, but I am a work in progress. I humbly work with the Holy Spirit and His power to accomplish each of these things and change my angry reactions to calm responses. Fits of rage are from my flesh, but the fruit of the Spirit is a result of keeping “in step with the Spirit” (Galatians 5:25).

Reflection:

• Think about a time when your anger felt like a "short fuse" that led to regrettable actions or words, similar to the door-slamming incident. What triggered it, and what were the immediate and long-term consequences for you and others involved?

• Read Galatians 5:19-21. Which "acts of the flesh" (e.g., fits of rage, hatred, jealousy) do you recognize in your own life? Journal about a specific example and how it conflicts with walking by the Spirit.

• "Say it how you want to hear it" reminds us to speak with respect, especially to those closest to us or others who are God's creation. Think of someone you've lashed out at—how would you feel if they spoke to you that way? Rewrite a past angry response in a kinder, more constructive tone.

• The prayer "What you did for me is greater than what was done to me" highlights Jesus' sacrifice and the need for forgiveness. Journal about a hurt or offense that's hard to let go of—how does comparing it to Christ's love change your perspective? (Note: Remember the distinction between forgiveness and staying in toxic situations.)

• This writing concludes with Lynnette being a "work in progress" through the power of the Holy Spirit. What progress have you seen in your anger management, and what specific prayer or action will you take this week to "keep in step with the Spirit"?

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Be Angry, but Don't Blow It — Lisa Bevere [FULL SERMON] - https://youtu.be/h0zVBLgH6xo?si=XToRZdoJSw6rIdDf

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